crazyshoots

It's been a roller coaster since my last entry (now, I just can't seems to keep my momentum on writing can I?) and yes, there are changes. As always.

Since my new job scope allocation in June'11, I've been kept really crazily busy; such that my life gets warped into this 8-8 or 8-10 business thing that is never ending. Aside from my daily job scope, I have to coach new comers and occasionally take on what they can't handle so things can get going. I had to entertain illogical people who can't seems to note that talking to me is a waste of time -- because I can't give them what they want and I won't give them what they wanted simply because I don't feel justified to do so.

That said, I must say I have been performing well.. especially in front of these senseless people. I performed so well that I think it's time for me to leave, to look for greener pastures and to leave these chimp to the senseless fighting in the zoo and although I had to say I'm really a little apologetic to my ex-boss who had to face with my 'not-so-sudden' decision to leave; I really had nothing holding me back except my really cute colleagues.

Oh wells.

Long story short, I am in a new place now with new people and though things isn't really all neat and tidy right now I know it can be done. I have trust in the new people I've met and know things can surely get better though more communication is required. I have also gained my social life bad (somehow.. and seriously now you don't doubt me) and I've had Jing & Addy commenting that I am a workaholic. I just feel like I've let them down by neglecting these friendships somehow and am just too glad to go lunch out and shopping again with these awesome individuals I've known for years.

Who would I be without them? (beamy eyes)

Despite my temporary-existing social life, I am going into meditation mode again because my new job requires me to go into endless hours of meeting on certain week of the month which I have to eat my lunch in and maybe even have tea break takeaways in the meeting room. I also have my crazy part time studies going on and I don't have a good feeling about the group assignment.

I don't know why. I guess I have to be less Aspie-alike and be nicer to my fellow humans. :)

The point with me is that I don't get it.

I don't get it when people I talked to don't get my drift, don't catch me on the important points and make senseless comments that is so disgracing that they probably gags if they knew. 

I know. The worst part? I feel like correcting them so much.. like a obsessed compulsive dictator. I know I don't make sense now. If I can use teachers as a example, it'd be like teaching the toddlers, being kind and generous to them before the occasional putdowns in elementary and finally the harsh disciplinary actions on high school students.

It kinda made me look bad a little when I blew up occasionally or walk away when I feel like I can't continue with that talk but I really can't stand having that kind of conversations with people who don't care what you're talking but rather focus too much on what they can comment on it. It's like the main purpose of the conversation is on how their smart comments can make you wise up and pull together your acts instead of understanding the actual root cause in the first place.

Seems like the same way with my workplace, people don't seems to care on rectifying root causes and implementations of more efficient solutions. They probably talk it off or feels better knowing they're happy with the current practises that are all wrong and not sustainable.

Sad to say, my temperament plays a big part and it's easy to show on my face when I'm not interested. Sure, I'd make it a effort to tell you nicely I'm not having the luxury of time to listen because I'm rushing for  a report or that I'll keep my mouth shut and wait out for your ramblings to be done but hey, I'm not asking for second helpings! Spare me that before I'll say "Erm, you're repeating" and still... (insert radio ads here)

Nobody ever cares, do they?

I'm happy to say the blew ups are getting less frequent and the last time I blew up was over a significant smear on my integrity at work which I will not allow to let it go away until my name is cleared. I still think I could have handled things a little better over emotional outbursts which is inappropriate least to say.

As usual, I've been having issues with myself. Not getting motivated enough to do things I wanna do, feeling all old and grumpy inside me and not getting out because the friends and I, we're not having that much of a conversations anymore. They have interests and lifestyles vastly different from mine and I don't care, nor do I mind, until they force me to integrates with it as if its a crime not to like it.

Oh... now I don't like that. Seriously????

And then I'll stop myself from hanging out with my friends just so I can get off the usual routines and escaping from questions like "Hey, why aren't you hanging out anymore?", "why are you keeping yourself home when everybody's out partying?".

Because... (wait, my elementary teacher always told me not to use because in the beginning of the sentence but I'm gonna use it anyway.. bite me if you can) I hate pubs, I hate drinkings, I hate the smoke, I hate the ridiculous prices and lastly, I hate the conversations that comes with it that makes me cringes in spasm.

Now I said it. But you can't take it.

I think the point is after realising that they can't take it, I took it upon myself to joke about it. To take it that issues never existed and I should probably just wise up and be less serious about it. But it's not something that would go away the moment I be less serious about it. Every time the issues would come back to me like haunted nightmares and its not cool.

Such that the mantra I built up could become a joke, such that I don't care about what others said(or at least not appearing to care) or that my boss telling me in the face that I'm a joker, despite being good in my work.

I don't want to be seen as a joker. I want to be humorous but not a joker. Get the drift? I want to be taken seriously.

So I've just read an article and that really motivates me but first I'll have to discipline myself in keeping a journal. I'm less disciplined as I'm becoming more of a joker. Everything's about my life is a joke now practically.

I'll just have to head start on this and keep things on track before I let myself strays off the paths again. Pray for me and do keep me in check!

 I just skimmed through several old contacts' blogs and found out so many things that I missed out on. Be it a new marriage, the just arrived babies or the ones who had their kids grown by a metre in height over the past year or the new job/studies and whatsnot.

Just minding my own business and not stalking people means you're not getting updates. Apparently I'm not subscribed to the "all-updates-on-social-platforms-pls-flood-my-preferred-emails-please!!!" function because other than office emails I'm looking at I only occasionally view my private inbox when I know something is up. There's 8882 unread mails hanging out in hotmail right now.

My bad.

Shuyi wrote this earlier on her fb:


I think its something we all wish we can relive but its not gonna work out. Because the past is what became the present and wishing to change the past only reveals that you're less than what you imagined your future to be. I wish for my future to be brighter and my past can become the important maker of my future.

 Thanks to those who visited this spider web infested journal and even gave some really encouraging comments. I was on a long hiatus and think its time to get back in on a more regular basis than ad-hoc entries every couple of months.

The past few months has its up and down. Work wise we're undergoing some restructuring and I've been given new scopes which will inevitably land me in new challenges and as usual I'll try my best to make things right and ensure smooth-handovers with proper training to my colleague who'd been taking over part of my current scope.

We're still looking for a permanent assistant in the west, any takers? :)

----
On another note, I've been interested to get a bluetooth headset for my iphone since my iphone 3g (I've upgraded to 4g since then) and the price tag been a real put-off since I wasn't exactly sure if I'd been committing much use to it and didn't want to leave it one side to feed the dust.

The connectivity issues on the iphone 4 and bluetooth headsets (especially the high-end ones) is also a considering factor. Maybe I should just get a blueant z9i first!

It's a Sunday and I don't really feel like working or hanging out for once. It's like I've been working 6 day week for some time and I just want my Sunday to myself; no family, no friends and no annoying phone calls.

Poooof.

So I spent my whole day watching the history channel and being amazed at how long I can stare and absorb everything that I've seen and heard from the box. Basically I was watching code breakers last night and the highland towers disaster (which woke mom up anyway when i gasp! just when the whole building collapsed) and this morning I woke up and repeat the whole process of staring into Channel 401 again.

Since I spent such exhausting efforts to research on the Zodiac Killer yesterday night, needless to say I was really terrified to sleep and literally jumped when mom suddenly speaks in the dark. I mean, I'm not usually such a scarey but hey, there's been some funeral proceedings down for the past few days ok?

You really can't blame it on my guts!

Just so I could have a good night sleep tonight, I'm so gonna read on the Zodiac now again. Heh!

today i found out there's 7 fears and i spot my many fears.

fear of being consumed
fear of disapproval
fear of being trapped
fear of commitment
fear of loss
fear of disappointing
fear of being found out

i guess i was afraid of losing.

i thought it over through and thorough and kept asking if i ever lost anything. it does not seems to matter to me how big or small the loss was, ultimately i lost. i may have lost a person, something.. whether physical, touchable, monetary or whatsoever. i could just never recall what i lost. or what i gain. things just seems to balance out and offsets each other to make it a neutral zero.

i'm that kind of person... who thinks i take loss well in stride. i may grumble, cry and wobble but i'll be back up in no time. there's no point crying over spilled milk anyway right? might as well make the most out of it.

but one fine day, i'll hide in my room and ask why, hoping for some answers i never knew.

today, i also discovered my innate ability to disappear someday, quietly and without a trace. maybe i had it in me for too long, i knew it was in me. i just suppressed it with the million and thousands of things i need to do. when it doesn't matter anymore, i'll walk off, go away and never come back.

and this is what i've been fighting against for so long.

the urge to leave. so i've been keeping myself busy for a very, very long time.

iwishicanbebusyforaslongasicanbebecauseineverknowwheniwouldleavebehindeverythingandlivemyfreedomthewayiknowienjoythetransquility

If nothing's ever enough for you, what'd be enough to satisfy you?

I wish there's something else I can do to make you feel better about how you feel about me but I can't. I've tried and it's not enough.

It's never enough for you. You're greedy, you want everything and you want to give nothing.

----

Sometimes I wish nothing's given; nothing's taken. When you take nothing, you have no obligation to give. Then you wouldn't risk giving everything and getting nothing in return.

If I start giving, I might be unable to stop.

Lately I've been living as if time is running out for me. It's like I have no time to see this world, no more time to do the things I wanna do or savour the images, taste or listen carefully to the sounds and people around me.

It's to the stage that I can impulsively decide on a trip to Cambodia (yay!) within 3days and completed the booking of tickets/accommodation when such stuffs used to take me weeks to decide. I used to want to do so many things but I can't because of financial reasons. I'm not saying now that I'm better off but I'm more financially independent and yes, I still plan/save so that I can go university in future and all but I refuse to spend any more than I desire to on expenses which can be avoided from my point of view.

I want to spend them doing something constructive. Like maybe getting a new camera lens, going off to somewhere new and capture whatever I can. Do new things, experience them and know that life is even larger than the cage we're living now. Isn't that's why they coined "Larger than life" ?

Perhaps my enthusiaism scared some of the people whom I asked to go on the trip with. They can't understand why I would choose places where there's little shoppings to go to. They don't understand why I need to be so 'gan chiong' about it. Why can't I just put it off to next year or something? Maybe there will be other alternatives or whatsoever.

Maybe. But how would you know?

So many times have people used such excuses to convince themselves that in future, that unpredictable future would appear and that they would have the money, the time or the energy to do what they wanted to do 5, 10 years ago. They forgot that memories fail. They forgot that life don't give you the luxury to choose at moments when you do wanna make a choice and how fortunate it is to have the capacity to make a choice. They forgot that even when you're allowed to make the choice and even if you still possess the energy/time to do what you wish, there are other factors that can affect the actual outcome.

If this is the case, why am I waiting?

Waiting to earn enough money to raise a family, only to have the economy crushing on me? Waiting for my kids to grow up only to have them facing their own difficulties in time to come? Waiting for my life to end when I haven't even bother to make a start in the first place?

I wonder.

"And te tide and te time þat tu iboren were, schal beon iblescet" is probably the earliest version of the line "Time and tide wait for no man" in modern days. Many people associate this phrase to aging but I associate it to more than that. If aging takes me 20 years, death only takes me a second.

If 1 second can ruin me, I want my 20 years to be memorable.

I remembered someone writing this on her blog before.

she is facing problems.
and somehow, whatever she do.
right or wrong.
i will still stand by her.
she may be wrong, but she will be spared and forgiven.
and i truly do LOVE her

Although it wasn't meant for me,, but I'd like to say the same thing to the original author.

I know I probably can't help much and I'm not good with words. But trust me, I will try. Just continue to have hope. =)